Whose Your Daddy?



Hey,

Had a wonderful conversation and prayer with the Anointed Wives Ministry on Thursday 11/1/12, discussing the impact of fatherlessness on women/wives. Thanks for having me Felicia! This is an under-served topic in the Christian community, but it appears to be one in which many women can relate to.

God has charged me with this subject and there is more in store, so please stay tuned, but I wanted to share my notes with you from our devotion to help me be accountable to His mission.

The lesson was entitled, "Whose Your Daddy?" I immediately thought of the Maury Show. We get really drawn into the subject of who a child's father is on the segments where Maury announces, "When it comes to 4 year old "so-n-so" , Mr. So-n-so, you are not the father!" The audience and television viewers begin to rant and rave, the momma looses her mind and runs into the walls and the man who was just freed from the responsibility, does the Running Man and Crip Walks down the stage! Very little thought goes into what happens to the child after the show. We put little thought into the void that may never be filled in the life of the child. Even less thought is put into what the female babies have to endure in life without a dad.

My father story is really the passion behind my study of this subject. As I complete my work on this

journey, I will share in detail what happened to me, but in a nutshell, my father was a huge part of my life until about 12 years old. My parent's divorce and my father's subsequent divorce from me impacted my life in many detrimental ways.  It wasn't until years later and the reconciliation of my relationship with my dad, was I able to come to grips with the self inflicted damage I caused based on the excuse that my father had not done his job. I thank God for the deliverance of my father and me.  But the story continues......

So, entertain this survey: How many ladies reading this, didn't know their dads at all? How many know their dads, but didn't grow up with him in the home? Maybe he provided some financial backing occasionally, but not consistently? Maybe he passed away at an early age? What about those whose dad was in the home, but was abusive; either used drugs or alcohol, was involved extramarital affairs, was abusive physically, sexually or verbally to your mom, you or your siblings?  Did your dad live in your home, but was emotionally distant? Maybe your dad lived in a separate home, but was as present as he could be? Then lastly, I am sure there are ladies reading who had a real dad.

Whatever your relationship is with your dad, I propose to you that it has heavily impacted who you are as a women and even more so as a wife. I want to suggest to you today that we are lacking as wives because of our skewed picture of our dads. And if you are a male, keep reading, I think this will bless you too!

Essentially, we base what we believe about ourselves on some level, on what our fathers believed about us. If you were abandoned by your dad then you could believe you are not worthy of love. If you were rejected by him, then you could think there is nothing you can do to win love. If you were abused by him, then you could think everyone should be able to abuse you. If you were cursed by him, then you will essentially curse others, but if you were genuinely loved by him then you are automatically equipped to genuinely love yourself. An earthly father's true love is an exact portrait of God's love for his children.

What do "good" earthly father's do? The best example I can share with you is the one that I witness on a daily basis. My husband exemplifies fatherhood with my princess or I should say his princess. He is not perfect with it, but he is perfecting his art by being caring, encouraging, loving, guiding and most importantly conscious of his own "daddy void," and how it has impacted his life and in some ways molded him into the man that he is today.

So then what is my proposition?

1. We are unequipped to be effective wives because of  poor relationships with our fathers

• Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 ESV)
• Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21 ESV)

Anger is either driven by or leads to fear. We become angry because we fear that we are not loved unconditionally. We are fearful because we are loved conditionally. Fear is then the driving force behind any personality trait or sin developed as a coping mechanism. The need to control and the anxiety that sets in when a young girl feels helpless aids her in developing unhealthy coping mechanisms in order to regain that control. The desires to control, blame, run, fantasize or people please are not sinful in and of themselves, however anything that is used to combat fear without the assistance of the Holy Spirit is bound to cause sin.

Often times, fatherless wives were once girls who said, I didn't have my dad loving me, so no one loves me. I need a man to affirm me and I am afraid no one will, so I will make myself attractive to somebody, anybody in order to not feel afraid that I am not good enough for love. This is how unhealthy lifestyles in young girls manifest.  Surely I am not suggesting that every girl who makes life damaging choices has a daddy void. I realize that there are many roads that can lead down a path demise. But I am suggesting that we look deeply into the lives of young ladies and pinpoint where destructive patterns have been set up and determine if there is some link to an absent or dysfunctional dad relationship.

Take a moment and think about your relationship with your dad? Then think about your relationship with God? Are they similar? Do you trust God the same way you trust your earthly dad?  How does this impact you a wife? In response to fear and anger we sabotage our relationships with our husbands and others in many ways.  We become controlling or blaming; we set up unrealistic expectations for others, we avoid pertinent issues or we begin to people please instead of God please. I promise to share more about these characteristics in the near future.

2. Recognition of being unequipped because of the daddy void is vital

• One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and took his place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner." And Jesus answering said to him, "Simon, I have something to say to you." And he answered, "Say it, Teacher." "A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?" Simon answered, "The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt." And he said to him, "You have judged rightly." Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." And he said to her, "Your sins are forgiven." (Luke 7:36-48 ESV)

The lady in the the previous story was no less guilty of her sins then we are.  And yes, if you are using coping mechanisms such as controlling, blaming, running from situations, fantasizing about other situations or people pleasing to combat fear instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to administer grace unto you, you are in sin.  Guilty!  But, just like her we have a Savior ready to accept the acknowledgement of our sin and move us to a place of righteousness.  That's shouting material!!
  
3.God has the ability to equip us regardless of our void

• Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20, 21 ESV)

As wives and as women, we have to believe in the power of God to change our lives and our position in marriage more than we believe in our own power to change our husbands.  Haven't you been doing it your way long enough?  And in the famous words of Dr. Phil,  "How's that working for you?"

4. He wants to equip us
How does He want to do that? Well, it requires us to do something first. We have to make the decision to rest in Him and His word.  God waits for us.  He waits for us, so what are you waiting on?

• "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:25-33 ESV)

When you make the decision that God's way is the best way and that no other way in marriage and in your role as a wife will do, you must then follow these vital steps...... A. Live in a state of forgiveness B. Love unconditionally  C.Seek Him relentlessly D. Allow your fruit to be eaten.  This is a continuous cycle that you must find yourself in at all times.  Forgiveness needs to occur for yourself and others almost instantaneously.  You cannot move forward with the hurts of the past from your dad, from yourself and from your husband holding you back.  Conquer it! Bathe yourself in I Corinthians 13:1-10....its what many call the love chapter.  Devourer it!  Submerse yourself in His word regarding how to be a wife His way versus your way.  Lastly, your daughter, your mother, somebody needs to see the fruit of your hard work and they need to eat it.  You only get the benefits of fruit unless you eat it.  The people around you need to change too!  Not because you tell them but because you show them.

Side note: Stop blaming your mother for your daddy not being there.  She might have been key in his absence, she might have prevented it as a source of protection or she might not have had a valid reason at all.  But what does holding resentment toward her have to do with your growth and development as a daughter of the Most High?....Nothing!

5. Are you willing?
God's daily plea to us as wives is to surrender and to seek Him.  Although its a quiet plea, rest assure, He wants you to be wife of noble character.  He designed you that way.  Yes you, with all of your flaws, imperfections and mistakes.  He makes beautiful things out of us!

• I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me (Proverbs 8:17 ESV)
• But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Deuteronomy 4:29 ESV)
• And the Lord your God will clear out those nations before you, little by little; you may not consume them quickly, lest the beasts of the field increase among you.  But the Lord your God will give them over to you and will confuse them with a might panic until they are destroyed (Deuteronomy 7:22, 23 AMP)

6. Give grace for to your husbands and others
Listen, let's be honest, we haven't been the easiest creatures to deal with in our marriages or in life in general.  If we are honest, we recognize that in some ways we have been punishing our husbands for either being too much like our dads or not enough like him.  While I still believe that husbands have the huge responsibility to love us like Christ loves the church, we still have no excuse not to do our part.

• If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. (1 Corinthians 13:4-10 MSG)

Love and grace then basically mean being able to wait without becoming anxious or annoyed.  While God is waiting on us to become the best wives we can be, can't we do the same for our husbands?....ummmmmm!

Disclaimer:  OK, I know that was the longest blog entry I have ever generated!  I have so much more to say about this subject.  Please pray with me as I complete the book devoted to this topic.  Its been 8 years in the making and I know that God is no longer just prompting me to do it, He is pushing me in the back!  :) If you enjoyed this blog entry or any others, please subscribe to my blog and any comments are welcomed.

Until the Springbok touches the QWERTY keys again!